Tuesday, July 23, 2019 15:28

Trouble Stirring in Albion City…

November 1st, 2011

I’ve been keeping my ear to the streets, and there are some rumblings afoot. I’ve had reports of gunfire at the local lodging. I’ve also noticed subtle but recent activity on my archnemesis Albionic’s facebook page. I’m wondering if retirement was such a good idea. Does Albion City need me now more than ever?


Dow Climber is Done

December 19th, 2010

Citizens of dear Albion City,

As you know, I have fought evil in Albion for years. As of now, I fight no more.

For as long as anyone can remember, Albion City has been plagued by the tyranny of several super-villains: chiefly the Twisted Tunnelers and my arch-nemesis, DR. Albionic. The Tunnelers put a good scare in all of Albion when they surfaced and painted harrowing threats on the rock. Albionic caused mayhem when she destroyed the I-House with her eye-lasers and fired so many staff members last spring. For so long, I devoted myself to ridding Albion of their horrors. Now, my quest is complete.

From the moment my father, and nearly myself, was dropped into a vat of killer chemicals by local gang members, I knew that I would never rest until I stamped out that kind of senseless evil in the city I love so dearly. Though my failure to act cost my father his life, I climbed from that vat vowing never to let another innocent soul die on my watch. Though I was just a child, I trained all my life and eventually connected that murder to the vast organized crime ring headed by George Baldwin, distant but direct descendant of Charles Baldwin. I was able to end his corrupt reign, but at a cost – my one true love was almost killed, left deformed and deranged and built by a rogue doctor into a senseless cyborg, whom we now know as the evil DR. Albionic. Though I had stamped out the traditional leaders of Albion’s organized crime, I had inadvertently given rise to a new era of much more terrifying super-villains.

For years I sat perched upon the roof of the Dow, watching over the city and making sure no harm came to her, but evil forces were strong, and were an incredible burden for one mere man. During that time, Albionic lived undetected among the people, as she could take human form and fool us all, including myself. When a new president took over the local University, I kept a suspicious watch as I sensed something familiar from my past. My instinct was correct, and the woman so many believed to be Donna Randall was actually my old flame, turned into a cyborg, and impersonating the President of Albion.

For the sake of Albion citizens, I am happy to report that that evil force has been destroyed by…well, it’s a long story, but basically Albionic has been destroyed and the true Donna Randall has been allowed to resume her position. She will deny it, of course, because Albionic’s minions inserted false memories into her brain, making her believe that she has been serving as Albion’s President these past three years. However, Albion City will never again suffer from the evil DR. Albionic’s reign of terror. I had always hoped that when it was all over, I might once again see my old love’s mind restored to sanity and things would be as they once were, but that hope has proven to be naive…

The time has come to hang up the cape and mask.

My other chief bane has been the Twisted Tunnelers. Though I have not personally destroyed them, there has been no word from the Tunnelers for almost two years. Little was ever known about them. Based on analysis of their speech patterns and high-tech anti-super-villain computer technology in my Dow Cave, my suspicions are that they are not interested in the affairs of “surface dwellers,” as they called us, and that they will not attack Albion citizens if they remain unprovoked. If my theories are correct, it is likely that the Twisted Tunnelers may not even reside below our city anymore; it is likely they have moved on, and it is likely that, whoever they are, they are not even human, if they are still alive. If they ever did return, I have reason to believe that it would be after many years, if not generations, at which point my age would no longer allow me to serve my city, and another would have to take up my mantle.

Given months of research and analysis, I am certain that all current threats of super-villainy that Albion City once faced have passed on, and the city is now free. If that is indeed the case, then the goal I set out to accomplish the day my father died has been realized, thus my mission is complete. Citizens must know that I would never give up if I believed them to be in danger, and that my retirement is an indication that no super-villain will ever harm Albion again as long as I live.

Citizens will ask about other criminal threats that face the city. Surely, they will occur. Any population will have crime, especially a population as large and prosperous as Albion. But I believe that for every act of evil, there are 100 acts of goodness and that in any human population, good will triumph over evil. The people of Albion City are strong, and this city can easily withstand petty crime. Albion is now safe in the hands of the Public Safety department, and thanks to top-notch personnel working for Campus Safety.

My close connection with super-villainy has given me the edge I needed to thwart it. My ability to combat crime has been my gift to give to Albion, and it has personally been my burden to bear. It has not only been my duty, my destiny to serve this city, but it has also been my honor and privilege. Though it came at great pains to me, I have done my best to give Albion a fighting chance against super-villainy, and I now feel satisfied saying that the threats I fought are gone forever. I hereby announce my retirement as the the vigorous vigilante, dark defender of Albion City. Should evil ever grip the city once again in the distant future, I hope that my example will inspire another, if not more, to carry the burden of avenging Albion. But until then, I leave Albion in the safest hands I know of: the hands of her own people.

May Albion dear Albion remain prosperous. May she remain free of the threat of domination by evil wills. May her citizens find the courage to stand up and fight if desperation should ever strike again. But hopefully, it never will.

Godspeed, citizens, for these are likely my parting words. It has been my honor to serve our city. For once, and many times over, I was the terror that climbed in the night. I was this city’s watchful protector. I was and am forever, Dow Climber.


May 13th, 2010

Good evening, citizens of Albion City. I realize it’s been a while since my first song, but I’ve finally come out with a new single. Not that you were waiting that anxiously anyways; I guess you’re more concerned with my crime-fighting than my rhyme-dropping. But either way, here’s my new song. It’s called Get UR Climb on.

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Here’s the link if you prefer


-Dow Climber, Defender of Justice

Dow Climber’s sidekick?

May 10th, 2010

Many have asked me if I would train them as my sidekick. Anyone who knows me and what I stand for knows that I have always been adamant about respectfully declining these requests. For one, you never know who somebody really is (I wear a mask but we all wear one, metaphorically speaking). Why do you think Batman has never revealed his identity to Commissioner Gordon? And second, what if this apprentice I trained got themselves hurt or worse in the line of duty? What if this apprentice hurt innocent civilians? I couldn’t live with myself, knowing that I was responsible for such tragedy to fall upon innocent Albion civilians.

But these days, I am starting to question my “no sidekicks” rule. Superheroes in the comics have the benefit of never aging if their writers so choose. But real superheroes such as myself don’t have this luxury. At some point, I have to face the fact that I’m not always going to be around to fight the forces of evil.

Has fighting alone become too much?

Has fighting alone become too much?

DR. Albionic still clenches  her seat of power in Albion University with a vice grip. Her next move will certainly be for dominance of Albion City and eventually, she will likely attempt to seize control of all of Calhoun County (I shudder to think). I have always been able to handle her in the past, but with a growing power base and the support of a large portion of Albion City citizens (namely, her band of followers on the Board of Trustees), I worry her power will someday extend beyond the control of one person. I am Albion City’s silent defender, yet Calhoun County is a lot of responsibility for a lone vigilante – perhaps more than anyone can handle.

If DR. Albionic is to be stopped, I have to consider all the options. Might I have to train an apprentice to become my sidekick? Or perhaps even a partner in crime-fighting? I am hesitant about this possibility, but I can’t deny that it is a possibility, and I must give it some consideration. After all, Pan has Tinkerbell, Sherlock Holmes has Watson, and the Lone Ranger has Tonto (so why do they call him the “Lone” Ranger, again?). Even T-Mobile has a Sidekick. So why can’t the Dow Climber? It’s certainly something to think about. Whoever it is, though, I promise he or she will be better than Robin (can you say “Holy Herrick Theatre, Dow Climber”?).

Love me some TB

Love me some TB

Until then, it’s back to climbing for me. However, it doesn’t look like anything sinister is going on tonight; a Taco Bell run may be in order. Goodnight Albion citizens, and godspeed.

*BTW, did you hear about Coldplay turning down FOX’s Glee using Clocks? As a CP fan, I must say this very disappointing. That’s right, Coldplay. DC would click “dislike” for that decision, if dislike was an option.

Coldplay's got clocks, and so do I

Coldplay's got clocks, and so do I; but is it time for a sidekick?


April 15th, 2010

Over the years, I’ve just about seen it all: from the evil, psychotic DR. Albionic, to the viscously corrupt George Baldwin, and the wickedly mysterious and sinister Twisted Tunnelers.

But today Albion City faces its greatest threat to public safety ever: jaywalking. I’ve seen recently, more than ever, citizens walking across the street where there aren’t designated cross-walks. God forbid! Something must be done! If we don’t take action now, soon the people of Albion City will be running amok. Let them jaywalk, and soon they’re going to be cutting across grass instead of sidewalks, loitering in non-designated areas, and worst of all (gasp!): crossing the train tracks.

Citizens, I beg of you – for your own safety – stop jaywalking or I will be forced to take action. Consider the amount of traffic in Albion – Superior Street sometimes has as many as 10 cars on it! After all, how am I supposed to keep the streets safe if citizens are walking all over them? If we’re not careful, Albion City will turn into a madhouse…

I kid you, citizens. Albion City’s crime is so vicious, jaywalking is really the least of my concerns. Once supervillain activity has been wiped out for good, I might start worrying about jaywalking (key word: might). But until then, keep jaywalking and I’ll keep jay-walking all over criminals.

My Costume

April 15th, 2010

I don’t want citizens to think that I’m complaining about my costume at all, because I’m not. I love my costume and it has served me well over the years both aesthetically and functionally in terms of my ace crime fighting. However, I’ve always had some trouble when it comes to changing. As you know, or probably assumed, I don’t walk around as the Dow Climber all the time. I do have a secret identity. So, when the time comes to fight Albion City’s criminal underbelly, I have to change into my costume. But I can’t, for the life of me, figure out how to change faster. It’s always dark and there’s a lot that goes into the costume. The shoes, gloves, cape, mask…it’s a lot to worry about. I don’t know if I’m trying to put it all on in the wrong order or what, but half the time I get everything on and my cape is backwards! I know most superheroes have superhuman powers, so they don’t have to deal with such mundane tasks. But Batman, for one, is just a man and he has to change into a much more heavy-duty costume than I do. I wonder if it takes him as long or if he’s got a more effective technique for quick changing. I tried sending him a letter, but I didn’t know Gotham’s zip code. Does anyone have any suggestions? How do I change faster? Does anyone know Gotham City’s zip code? Let me know.

Also, I just remembered today is my birthday. I remember being a child and my father trying (and failing) to make a cake. But having lost him to a toxic vat of chemicals and having my one true love being seduced by evil (DR. Albionic), I’ve committed my life to crime-fighting, so there’s not much room for celebration. My wish (although I probably shouldn’t say it out loud) is for Albion City to see just one night without facing the forces of evil. I fear, however, that I may have to wait until next year.


The TRUTH Behind the Budget Cuts

March 5th, 2010

Dear citizens of Albion City,

As you know, DR. Albionic is still at large. And as I have mentioned before, I chose not to reveal her secret identity to the public because her name is too “familiar” in this town. Also, since she knows mine, I have always feared reciprocation: I reveal her secret, she will likely reveal mine. But in light of recent events, our dear city is in grave danger.

By this time, it is no secret that Albion City’s local university is facing an apparent “financial crisis.” And in response to this crisis, the administration has announced the eventual cutting of 10% of the faculty (to put this in perspective – say I catch 50 criminals tonight – 5 of them would be released. Or this would be like eliminating 10% of ways I can defeat criminals, which is whatever 10% of infinity works out to).

When I was much younger and more naive, I fell in love with a kind, young woman. I’m sure you all know the story by now, but after George Baldwin meddled in my affairs, my love was caught up in his treatchery and, in the end, she became DR. Albionic, twisted and evil. Today, she remains at large – not only because of her super-strength, electronics manipulation, and eye-lasers, but because she has secretly acquired a very powerful position in the community.

Looking at the local university, you will see a disturbing trend of events. The quality of the food has gone down. The number of “flat screen TVs” have gone up. Meanwhile, extra-curricular activities such as the Equestrian program has lost $100,000, but that hasn’t stopped the administration from going after a $4,000 Presidential Mace. If I didn’t know any better, I would say the administration doesn’t know what they’re doing. But unfortunately, I do know better, and the administration (or at least its head) knows very well what they are doing.

A mace has come to be strictly ceremonial. But its original use was much more gruesome. It is speculated that the mace was the first tool designed specifically to kill humans, and it was used all over the globe in the ancient world. Ramses II, the greatest of all the Pharaohs, used maces to his advantage. The Sardinian warriors who fought for Ramses and battled the Hittites did so with the mace. And as legend has it, it was Ramses who Moses led his people away from to reach the Promised Land.

Fast forward a few thousand years to the bustling metropolis that is Albion City. Though we’ve always faced criminal threats, the city still enjoys the freedoms granted by this great nation. But with the recent budget cuts and potential acquisition of this mace, I know this cannot be a coincidence. DR. Albionic has always had an interest in history and archaeology. When I heard about these events, I knew trouble was afoot.

The President of our illustrious university is in a very powerful position. With an endowment of $150 million at her disposal, and having twice as many administration members than faculty, this position could be taken advantage of to control the lives of thousands. As much as I hate to say it, citizens, that day has come.

Remember that kind, young woman I used to know? I used to call her Donna, D.R. for short. Today, as DR. Albionic still roams the streets, it is no coincidence that President Donna Randall (DR) is making all these changes. Like I said, the number of members of the adminstration already doubles that of the faculty. And the faculty is being cut even more? As the number of educators dwindles, professors lose more and more power, giving more power to the administration and, of course, the President. It won’t be long until they are powerless, forced to teach the evil ways of violence and destruction at DR. Albionic’s will.

Those flat screens you see everywhere? Be wary, for I can’t prove anything yet, but a series of scientific tests in the Dow cave have shown them to be some sort of cameras/tracking devices to monitor students’ every move. Isn’t it convenient that they seem to be in every building?

And don’t forget the losses sustained by the Equestrian team. That is just the beginning. Proactively guarding against revolt, the President is already working to disband the Equestrian team altogether (it was here before she rose to power). No Equestrian team, no cavalry.

As far as the lack of quality food is concerned, well, it’s not a real cafeteria. It appears to be a front for something more ominous, but what exactly I don’t know yet. I fear the Baldwin family is somehow still in power, lurking in the underground of organized crime.

And as for the “Presidential Mace.” I thought I recognized the base pattern when I first saw it; now I know where I have seen that design. Though it has had additions with time, it appears to have the same design as the ancient Sardinian maces employed by Ramses II. Obviously, for DR. Albionic, this form of weapon is crude compared to her array of gadgetry. But the symbolism is too rich for her to pass up. This ancient weapon is representative of the power of Ramses – and the power DR. Albionic looks to gain via control of Albion City’s academic institution.

Citizens, this  is perhaps our bleakest hour. But though DR. Albionic is in a position of power, we must fight back. Though the President is powerful, she is not yet a tyrant. Students and citizens have power if we band together. The more cuts she makes, the more power DR. Albionic gains. If you all get together and stop these cuts, it’s not to late to prevent her ascension to total control over the university and Albion City. Once she gains control over Calhoun County, there is nothing to stop her from taking over the world. But like I said, you take care of the cuts, and I’ll take care of the sai combat and together we can bring down DR. Albionic, President of Albion University.

Moses led his people away from Ramses and to the Promised Land. Unfortunately, I cannot lead you out of Albion City for this is where we live; it is our home. But together, we can take the Promised Land back. For I am the terror that climbs in the night. You are the voice of the people. I am Dow Climber, and this is Albion City.

Where is the I-house?

February 13th, 2010

One of the most common questions about Albion City these days to newcomers is “What happened to the I-house?” While the disappearance of this building of the local University’s campus may seem innocent enough, there is actually a more sinister explanation that you won’t hear from University or Albion City officials. I thought, as did City officials, that keeping this incident quiet was the best solution to avoid mass panic in Albion City. But after much deliberation, I think the public must know what happened. One night in January, while the student-citizens were on their break, I was on the streets tying up some petty thieves. Routine superhero work, you know? Just then I heard an all too familiar explosion off in the distance from the southeast. It was the unmistakable sound of laser-on-car. I hoped it was not what it sounded like. Just then, my direct communication line with Mayor Joe Domingo rang and he confirmed my fear. The evil DR. Albionic was on the loose. See, the trouble with Albionic is that most of the time is spent living a somewhat normal life (at least as normal as a transforming-evil cyborg-robot can live). But the evil DR. is emotionally unstable, and every once in a while her anger or passion gets the best of her and she goes on a rampage. Mayor Domingo made it clear that she was on one of these rampages. From the top of the Dow, I could see that DR. Albionic had made it to the campus and was heading towards the campus’ administrative heart – Ferguson Hall. As quickly as I could, I made it to the scene and climbed the KC. I could see that she was getting ready to fire her eye-lasers on the building. Not having enough time to utilize my close-range weapons (my sai), I pulled out my throwing-1card and whipped it towards Albionic, knocking her in the side of the head. She bent down to see what had hit her, and by the time she realized it was one of my trademarked 1cards, I was standing in front of her. “The appointment’s up, DR!” I shouted. “Wrong,” she said in her synthesized voice. “You forgot your prescription. And your prescription is pain – just like all the pain you’ve caused me!” As she charged up her eye-lasers again, I made my strike. I lurched towards her, sai first, and I got her in check with one of my sai pointed at her chest. “Give it up, Albionic!” I said. “Your quarrel is with me, not with this illustrious university.” Through my mask, she looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re right.” She directed her eye-lasers at my sai and fired. The sai became so hot that I was forced to drop it and continue the fight with just one sai. I knew I had to get her away from Ferguson because losing it would be devastating for the school. Knowing she wanted me, I ran to draw her away from Ferguson and the KC. I thought if I could make it to the Dow, I could climb it and then I would have the advantage as that is the territory I know best. I must have underestimated my speed, however, because Albionic quickly fell behind in her chase. I guess ninja-vigilantes are just faster than cyborgs. Albionic must have realized that she couldn’t beat me at the Dow, so she stopped and turned back towards Ferguson. “One more step, Dow Climber, and I blow it up,” she yelled. She may have been bluffing, but Albionic is so unpredictable I couldn’t take that chance. I stopped and pulled out another 1card, ready to hurl it at the devious DR. By this time, the place was nearly surrounded by Albion’s finest. “You think your 1cards can stop me?” she said. “I invented the 1card!” The police looked at each other confused, for only Albionic and I understand the implications of that statement. With Ferguson in her sights, she charged up one more time and I whipped the card at her and knocked her to the ground. I climbed the I-house while she was on the ground to get a better angle for my next move. Enraged, she turned and fired at me. I ducked out of the way, but her lasers were too powerful for the I-house and it was leveled beneath me. Presuming I didn’t survive the explosion, Albionic fled the scene. Being a ninja, of course, escaping this predicament was no biggie. Of course I can’t get into details because a ninja never tells, but I used the rubble to hide and make my escape. Unfortunately, Albionic got away and the I-house was lost, but it would have been far worse had Ferguson been lost. However, I believe Albion City will recover from this loss soon enough because the resolve of the people here is strong. And I will defend the city’s honor with my life until the threats of supervillains such as DR. Albionic and the Twisted Tunnelers is quelled. For I am the terror that climbs in the night. I am Dow Climber.


January 23rd, 2010

Greetings, Albion citizens. As you all know, every crime fighter encounters resistance from citizens and authorities, and I am no exception. There have been plenty of citizens who don’t feel comfortable with me fighting the forces of evil, saying that no citizen should take the law into their own hands. According to urbandictionary, these people are called “haters.” I have spent a lot of time trying to find the words to communicate exactly why what I do is necessary for the future of Albion City, but these “haters” maintain their point of view. But I realized that maybe I am taking the wrong approach. Einstein once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, I have decided to try different techniques to reach out to the citizens of Albion. Through a series of songs and possibly music videos, I will attempt to communicate to Albion citizens through music instead of just prose. One of the best ways to speak to supporters as well as “haters” simultaneously is through rap music. My first song is called “Vigilante” and I hope that you like it. In a city ridden with super-criminal activity, citizens spend a lot of time in fear. Not only do I eliminate danger for citizens, but I think I can also spread some joy. For I am the terror that climbs in the night. I am the song you whistle while you work. I am Dow Climber.

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Crime in Albion City

November 24th, 2009

Today, dear citizens, I thought I’d address a topic I don’t usually talk about. Let’s discuss crime in Albion City. With the exception of a few small, individual events (that have been quelled), crime has been relatively quiet. Well, as quiet as it ever gets. In terms of supervillain activity, all has been quiet on the homefront. Not a peep from the terrorizing Twisted Tunnelers or the devious DR. Albionic. But don’t let the front of tranquility lead to an illusion of safety. The greatest trick the devil ever played on humanity is making them believe he didn’t exist. Until these supervillains are vanquished, we must not forget the threat they pose.

On a more positive note, I am now more equipped than I ever was. With my new pair of sai and my Albion 1 Card throwing star, I am more prepared than ever to deal with the supervillains of Albion City. For those who currently stand in the way of justice, I will defeat you. For those yet to come who will oppose integrity, your crimes will be dealt with as well. And for the rest of you, well let’s not give up hope. We’re all in this together.

I am the terror that climbs in the night. I put the “1” in “Albion 1 Card.” I am Dow Climber.